


in all my spite, i'll turn it off

by strangeness



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 07:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4051876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangeness/pseuds/strangeness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>child. the word is like a knife.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in all my spite, i'll turn it off

**Author's Note:**

> stream of consciousness garbage, unbeta'd, all lowercase because i'm lazy/stylistic choice etc. i wrote this in like an hour so take that into account. anyway! guess who just finished watching all of nge for the first time? this gay! asuka was one of many characters to resonate with me, so this just kind of happened.

(1)

asuka decides that it’s easy to be the first, not the second, child when she is the only pilot to exist on the continent.

(2)

 _love me love me love me_ she thinks, sometimes—all the time—when looking at kaji. asuka mouths it when his back is turned, eyes boring into broad shoulders and a mane of dark hair. she whispers it to the ceiling once, _love me love me love me_ , but the words taste wrong. she wonders what she wants from herself.

(3)

she goes from _only_ to being _second_. she dreams of her teeth grinding to dust from constantly clenching her jaw.

(4)

as expected, she’s flawless. bits of angel, shards of afterlife, float skyward to the surface around her. (she forgets, for a while).

(5)

asuka doesn’t even _like_ shinji, and she knows it. but boys are easy, misato is a whore, and kaji is a traitor. she suffocates him and presses their lips together, kissing and killing him. shinji breaks free of both, and mouthwash tastes like rejection multiplied tenfold.

(6)

 _child_. the word is like a knife.

(7)

she uses misato’s money to buy a bouquet of lavender. after school, she burns them. it feels like a victory until all that’s left is ash.

(8)

 _if i’m ordered to, i will._ that’s all rei says on the topic of friendship. asuka waits for misato, kaji, shinji, anyone, to issue the order. weeks pass, and hating rei feels less helpless.

(9)

acknowledgement comes. numbers and ratios falling like snowflakes in august, asuka is knocked down another rung; _sole_ to _second_ to _nothing_. acknowledgement comes, and pity stings like alcohol on a gash. ( _don’t come inside, don’t come inside. don’t come inside, don’t look at me_ she pleads with the angel, with god).

(10)

rei dies, it feels like a victory until she realizes that with the departure, even pity is taken from her.

(11)

asuka asks: _does anyone see me_? and no one answers, so they must not. (after a shower, she tests the theory in the mirror. of course, it’s fogged up and she is unrecognizable. she thinks it’s apt).

(12)

being nothing, she is invisible to the naked eye.

 _love me, love me, love me_ she says to nothing in particular, and it feels like a scream for help. the words still taste wrong.

receiving, of course, no answer—she sinks.


End file.
